ALICE DONUT :
LEGENDARY NYC PUNKS!

Alice Donut... what can one say? They are one of the strangest Punk bands I have ever heard. I fell in love with them about 15 years ago at New York's CBGBs on a Saturday night. After a lot of blood, sweat and tears, they broke up in the mid '90s, but now they are back to save the world from crappy music! You can read my review of their latest effort here. The band also agreed to do one of my dumb-ass interviews, and the answers are just as twisted as you would expect. Stepping up to the plate are:

Tomas Antona - Vocals
Michael Jung - Guitar
Sissi Schulmeister - Bass
Stephen Moses - Drums
David Giffen - Guitar (also runs the indie lable "Howler Records" that Alice Donut is signed to)

So without further ado, I give you the mad rantings of Alice Donut...

U- Tell us what the band is currently up to... releases, touring etc.?

TOM- We're currently gene-splicing together an bio-organic compound that has the mechanical dexterity of a good drummer with the full-bodied, slightly tart taste of a well made dark beer. Basically, we're cross cloning Steve with a pint of Guinness. This way the clone can play the drums while Steve is on the trombone and in a pinch we can liquefy him into a tasty beverage.
We're also now on Howler Records, a great new label. The new album is called 3 Sisters and will be released in May. We'll do some limited touring in the States and Europe. The European shows this summer will be with NoMeansNo.

U- How did the band originally get together, and who inspired you at the time.

TOM- We met at the Hair Club for Men. We were inspired by Huey Lewis and Mother Teresa, both for their incredibly masculine hairiness.

DAVE- My body is completely hairless, except for my toe knuckles. That's why I'm not on the new record.

U- I have to ask, why did the band call it quits back in '96, and why start it again in '03? Do you think you've lost some ground with the 7-year break?

TOM- Yes.

MICHAEL- There's a big hole in my front yard from which I think Ford from Show Business Giants took a bunch of ground. We gained some ground and cajones when Sissi and I decided to tune down to D. Fukkin' A.

U- You released a home video on VHS back in 1995, any plans for a DVD in the near future?

TOM- What's a DVD?

MICHAEL- Yes.

U- When I first encountered the band live in 1990, I was a full-on Metal head, I don't think I had a single Punk disc in my collection at the time, but I was blown away by you guys! What do you attribute your obvious cross-over appeal to?

TOM- Our hair.

MICHAEL- Whoops. Cut mine off. Shoot. Wait, that's metal now, isn't it?

U- During that first live show I saw, which was at C.B.G.B.s in New York, you (Tom) performed the entire set dressed in nothing but what looked like a rain coat... what were you thinking? Was this inspired by the Red Hot Chili Peppers getting attention for playing live with nothing but socks on their privates? Or was all this a horrible illusion brought on by all the beer I had consumed before the show?

TOM- It was the beer. I've never worn a raincoat in my life. I wear an impeccably tailored man-frock.

U- Have you sang, or done anything else, in any other bands?

TOM- No.

SISSI- I played in Tadanoshin with Steve. Tada from Ultra Bide's band.

STEVE- Yes. Soon after our break I started touring with RASPUTINA, GAWK, Stuffy Shmitt, Losers Lounge... and a few others.

MICHAEL- Current stint in Burn Barrel.

DAVE- I bought a harmonica.

U- When people ask you to describe your music, what do you tell them?

TOM- It's like a million angels weeping on the head of a pin.

U- Do you think your style will change much over the next couple of release? Plan to jump on the Rap-Rock, Goth-Punk, or EMO bandwagons?

TOM- Yes. Definitely. Emotionally Gothic Rap is the future. We call it Gremo.

U- Over the years you have gone through a few different band members. Any ugly breakup stories you want to tell, or was it all fairly amicable?

TOM- Michael accidentally decapitated a clarinet player we used on Mule in an unfortunate shaving mishap. We had to bury him in Canada. The van was a mess.

MICHAEL- Bunch of fucking a-holes, the lot of 'em. Thank God we make tons of money, or I couldn't stand it.

U- Any chance of an actual full-blown North American tour in the near future, maybe hitting someplace like say... Toronto Canada... hint, hint?

TOM- Michael?

MICHAEL- Why are you asking me? I love Canada. I had some wild sleep deprivation van bench rest stop hallucinations in the mountains.

U- What's your opinion of the Punk scene in North America and Europe? Do you consider Alice Donut a part of the scene, or do you view yourselves more as a singular anomaly?

TOM- The punk scene in North America is like a hand puppet in a weightless environment. In Europe, it's like a flower shimmering in the anus of Otto von Bismark. We consider ourselves part of the scenery everywhere we go and in all instances.

U- What's the worst job you ever had to do, to support yourself while being in the band?

TOM- My term as Consular General of the UN was a disaster.

STEVE- Fluffer... I sucked!

DAVE- I'm not allowed to say. But Steve was my fluffer.

MICHAEL- Don't you have to shun work to be a real punk?

U- What current musical trend bugs you the most?

TOM- I hate those earnest little bastards tuning down to D for fake wrath.

DAVE- Or up to F# for fake joy.

STEVE- Drum machines.

MICHAEL- Those bastards who tune down to C.

U- If you had to spend the rest of your life on a desert island, and you could only bring 1 each of the following, what or who would it be:
CD (or LP)
Meal
Drink
Famous Babe (can't be current wife / girlfriend)

CD / LP
Tom: The Soundtrack to Yentl
Dave: Meat Puppets "Up On the Sun"
Steve: the rite of spring...Stravinsky
Michael: 4 seasons

Meal
Tom: Tortilla de Patata
Dave: coconuts
Steve: tofurky
Michael: capers

Drink
Tom: Tang
Dave: coconut milk
Steve: pepto
Michael: Sea monkey brine

Babe
Tom: Evita Peron
Dave: Martha Stewart would be handy.
Steve: the George W twins

U- If you were offered the job of singing/playing with NSYNC (or some other lame boy-band) for one million US $, but you could never sing/play in any other band again, would you take it?

TOM- Of course. I sing in boy bands for love. I do Donut for the money.

STEVE- Yes... but they gotta pay me up front!

MICHAEL- Wink, wink.

U- If you could make a wish, and have any band on the planet (current of defunct) wiped off the history books, who would it be, and why?

TOM- I would do away with Leonard Nimoy singing "Macarthur Park is Melting in the Rain". I find it disturbing.

DAVE- The Beatles or Elvis. Just to see what would have happened instead.

STEVE- Kenny G.

MICHAEL- Just one?

U- What songs do you like doing live, which are you sick of, and wish you never had to sing/play again?

TOM- I like singing the easy ones.

U- What's the most "Rock n' Roll" thing you (or the band) has ever done? (like trashing hotel rooms, drunken sex with giant pandas, that type of thing)

DAVE- We got thrown out of a Waffle House once for arguing with each other too loudly on a Sunday morning. We had to enter the IHOP Family Therapy Center for a 12 Step Grand Slam Breakfast Breakthrough Session (with bacon), so we're better now. Although Steve still has a filthy mouth and is wanted by the RMPC and the Canadian Communications Authority.

MICHAEL- Parking the whole convoy (three or so bands worth) on the onramp to some interstate in Sacramento and brawling on the blacktop. Didn't we go find somebody's house to trash after that? It may have been a promoter who didn't pay us.

U- What CDs do you play when you are on your own, and no one is around to hear? Any embarrassing secrets you want to tell?

TOM- When no one is around to hear, I like the sounds of trees falling. And Hasselhof too.

STEVE- scary Haunted house sound fx cassette.

MICHAEL- No, I only listen to cool music.

U- What's the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you on tour?

TOM- I shit myself at 10,000 feet above sea level, in the van, in New Mexico.

STEVE- So did I... same day, about 2 hours before Tom did...

MICHAEL- Yeah, but Tom did it IN the van. There are several events that I don't remember. I wonder why.

U- What's the proudest moment you have had as a member of the band?

TOM- Flinging my soiled garments into a picturesque New Mexican canyon as my bandmates hummed the theme to Chariots of Fire in solidarity.

STEVE- telling the band I shat myself.

U- Out of all the bands you have played with live, which bands or musicians are cool to work with, and who drove you to the point where you wanted to give him the old "fork in the eye"?

TOM- Cher was excellent. Celine was a nightmare.

U- What's your favorite beer/drink? And give us your best "drunk punk dude" story.

TOM- I like Tang.

DAVE- I'm not allowed to say. But Steve was my fluffer.

STEVE- Guinness, of course.

MICHAEL- have a question. Why do guys who let girls pee in their mouths at SXSW like to brag about it?

U- In a drinking contest, who in the band would be the first to pass out? Who would be the last man (or woman) standing?

TOM- Steve would pass out first.

STEVE- Tom would pass out first.

U- If you dig the "The Simpsons", who is your favorite character, and why?

TOM- I like Smithers.

DAVE- Jessica.

STEVE- Bart, because he's the star and gets paid the most.

U- I'm going to name a band/artist, you tell me your thoughts in 5 words or less:

NoMeansNo
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: "Than "we," dufus!

The Butthole Surfers
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: See above.

Sonic Youth
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: By what standard?

Dead Kennedys
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: Which one? The new, improved DKs with Eddie from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" at the helm?

Circus Of Power (just cause they're native NYC boys)
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: Because they tune to "C" motherfucker.

Jello Biafra
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: Which one? The new, improved Jello Biafra sans the rest of DKs?

Type O Negative (just cause they're native NYC boys)
Dave: "More successful than us"
Michael: Dave, have you learned anything today?

U- Would you rather tour with alternative bands, or hardcore Punks? Why?

STEVE- Alternative... because they're different.

MICHAEL- Punks. They always sort out the best accommodations!

U- What group would you love to tour with, that you haven't yet?

TOM- We've toured with NoMeansNo and we've toured with Victim's Family and NMN and VF have toured together, but all 3 bands have never played a show together. That would be good.

U- What's your favorite movie, and actor of all time?

TOM- Movie- Dr. Zhivago / Actress- Joan Cusak.

DAVE- The entire ouvre of Will Ferrell.

STEVE- Movie- Best in Show / Actor- Sting.

U- Every group of friends has someone who always gets picked on and teased, so who is it in Alice Donut? And what do you all do to him/her, or if its you, what do they do to you?

DAVE- There's never any opportunity to pick on anyone as we see each other only on stage for an hour at a time and have agreed to otherwise communicate only in haiku form.

A constant humming
The world is dark in slumber
Your bass was too loud

Well, there you have it boys and girls. The band actually put more thought into this than it deserved, and for that I thank them. If you think this was odd, just check out their music, it's even more insane!

C-YA next time!
-Urotsukidoji-

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